Let's start at the very beginning...

I am not a doctor. I am an English teacher. Thus, my medical knowledge is limited to what I know and to what I think I've read (see post below about memory). However, I think this is how I became bipolar.

When I was 12 I started having headaches. REALLY bad headaches. Migraines the doctors called them. They attributed them to puberty. I would stay home from school (as I was about 5% I would tell my dad) and was assured that I would grow out of them. Well, I did. But from that point on I was an emotional rollercoaster. I wasn't riding one...I was one. My mom says that she's always loved me, except for seventh grade (she says she was joking.) Now, I was told that this was normal, that it was puberty, etc. Except...I hadn't experienced the other telling factors of puberty (I'm still waiting on the breasts...but that's a different issue. Damn that genetic pool). And...the emotional rollercoaster has never stopped.

They say that being bipolar is due to a chemical imbalance. I think this imbalance occurred when I was 12.

I enjoyed high school, for the most part and had what I would think is a pretty typical American high school experience. Some studying, some clubs, some proms, some partying, some dating,some breakups. The difference between me and the other girls who had their hearts broken was this: when I was upset I was suicidal. My biggest heartache in high school was the breakup of my relationship with Rich. We were prom prince and princess, all was good, then suddenly we weren't. I was devastated. One of my dear friends, C, stayed with me at night because I had told her that the night before I had slept with a knife beside me. The only thing keeping me alive was my Christian guilt (but that's for another post).

So I was always up and down, up and down. My college sweetheart and ex-husband just loved me in spite of it. He thought it was normal, because that's the only way he knew me. I talked about getting counseling and his reaction was a simple blase "Why? It's just the way God made you."

It took being hospitalized and being diagnosed for me to understand myself. What a relief that was.