Guilt

I've always been conflicted with guilt. When I was younger and mom asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with her and I declined, I would feel guilty for hours later.

Where does this guilt come from? I think a huge reason for it is my Christian upbringing. Taught to put Christ first, others second and self third any action that focused on myself first brought guilt.

Over the last five years or so, I've been struggling with defining what healthy guilt is. Not going to the gym when I told myself I would go is an example of what I would declare healthy guilt. On a more serious level, feeling guilty over a bad decision is also healthy.

One symptom of depression is, of course, sadness. Feeling guilty, for me, often results in sadness. The sadness doesn't always lead to depression, but I have to be aware of my triggers.

How does one take care of oneself and not feel selfish? That's the balance that I strive for.

One of my reactions to being signed off of work due to stress has been an overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt for: not working, for sleeping in, for relaxing, for not saying goodbye to my students properly, for not being there to plan effective, enjoyable lessons. I've about come to terms with this guilt; as I become healthier my mind clears and I can see that I was headed for a breakdown.

Then there is today. Easter Sunday. The original plan was for A and I to have lunch with A's mum. We awoke to snow (!) and this reinforced my desire to stay home. I had been thinking last night about how I really wished I could stay home; I wasn't in the mood or frame of mind to be very good company. However, I am trying to support A and his mum as they both continue grieving for his father who died nine months ago. Before seeing the snow, I hadn't mentioned any of this to A and fully planned on going along. Upon viewing the white stuff, I learned that A didn't want me to drive us the 45 minutes it would take and that instead he would be taking public transport. Frankly, the idea made my head spin. The journey would involve trains, buses, walking and it was snowing. And cold! Luckily, my fiance knows me quite well and told me he knew I wouldn't be going along.

Two hours after A departs, the phone rings.
"What's the weather like?"
"Well, mum has really made an effort, there's a huge turkey."
"Do you think you could take a cab over?"

I agree and hang up. Next comes five minutes of laying on the couch and listening to a fierce internal debate.
"I don't WANT to go."
"But you should go. A hardly ever asks you to do things. You owe him this."
"But I'll be terribly company."
...and so forth.

The phone rings.

Still on the couch, I hear A saying that he feels guilty! Ha! What?? He feels guilty because he knows that I would rather stay at home and now he's asked me to do something that I don't want to do. (I should insert here that A is a recovering Catholic...guilt is inherent.)

The result is that I stayed home. The consequences of which, I hope, are a relaxed and cheerful self and a good visit for A with his mum.

I hope.