How could you?

I'm in pain. In the grand scheme of things, like earthquakes in China and the deaths of thousands, it doesn't even register on the Richter scale. Today I experienced one of the things I've been wanting for a long time...teeth whitening. Completely happy with the results, but really thinking that the dentist's warning that my teeth might feel a "bit sensitive" was an understatement. The experience has reminded me of very low pain threshold. Of course, I'm only guessing that it is a low threshold...no one has experienced it for me and told me so! To conclude, I think the other dream of body image improvement- a boob job- will not be happening! I've grown accustomed to my "discreet" chest...as my friend so politely referred to it.

Now. On to the title of this blog and to a much more important and serious topic.

Yesterday after school and the weekly briefing I turned on my phone. I had a message from A asking me to call him. A's mum had called to let him know that his brother's wife discovered her father had killed himself.

How could you kill yourself?
How could you hang yourself?
In your family home?
When you knew a family member would find you?
Did you think that your daughter would be the one to cut you down?

I've dealt with suicidal tendencies since my teens. I've self-harmed. I've written out wills and goodbye letters. I've researched suicide methods. And I've made a plan.

And then I remembered my mom. She would not recover from her daughter committing suicide. Mom is the only thing that has kept me alive on several occasions.

Why didn't S's dad remember his wife?
His daughter?
His grandson? Age 2. Who has now lost both of his grandfathers in less that nine months.

I don't know the details. A said that he was on medication. I don't know for what. I never even met the man. I've experienced the lows so I am not "judging" him.

After coming out of a suicidal fugue, I could see how my thoughts were not logical. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...however dim it may be. But I could also remember how I felt and how my brain led me down that dark path.

Never did I consider hanging myself. It seems like such a deliberate "fuck off". For his family's sake I hope that he was not in his right mind. To consider otherwise....

Tragic.