One of my favourite movies is Sliding Doors- the concept of what would happen if one little thing in your life changed is fascinating.
I wonder what my life would be like if I had been diagnosed as bipolar at an earlier age.
I would have been more confident in high school... or would I? The people who seemed really confident are the ones that I run into in Wal-Mart with three kids when I return home.
I would have been more balanced whilst at University...how would that have affected my college sweetheart and I? There was one period of time after we had been dating for a year where he wanted to date other people but chickened out on breaking up with me (I found this out years later) for more than a week or so. I was an emotional mess, catapulted into depression, which (I think) guilted him into re-starting our relationship. He was the man I married. Then Divorced.
If I had been on meds earlier I would have remained in my marriage. IMAGINE! I simply cannot. No London? NO A----? No way!
To get remarried in the UK I have to prove that I am divorced so I've been searching for my divorce papers. This has led to an online search for my ex as I may have to contact him. I found out some very interesting things:
Whilst we separated in November of 2002, the divorce was final in January of 2004...
He remarried in 2005.
His wife graduated from University in 2007.
(Most people graduate at the age of 22).
Sidenote: He and I graduated in 1999.
Hmmm.
He and his wife teach a Sunday School class for young adults.
He is teaching history at a middle school
(What happened to his dream of pursuing law? Even when we were separating he was saying he still wanted to escape teaching. )
What I found really interesting about this is the parallels to when he and I were together:
We worked with the young people at church.
He taught history at a middle school.
So, four years after our divorce, it appears as if his life is pretty much the same. My life has changed dramatically. I have changed dramatically and for the better!
Thank God the door of Bipolar opened when it did.
Monday 21 July 2008
Saturday 19 July 2008
I know I took my meds so why is this happening?
When I was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder, the doctor reassured me about taking medicine by using the diabetes angle..."It's just as if you had diabetes. You would take insulin, wouldn't you?" I confess I've used the comparison to reassure family members.
What the dr didn't clarify was that the medicine doesn't make it go away or relieve all of the symptoms.
I'm a bit manic today- about an 8. I felt its onset this morning as I felt very shaky (you could see my hands shaking) but I thought it was because I hadn't had coffee yet or breakfast. But after a trip to the gym and running some errands, I felt worse. I had the shakes from head to toe- not visible ones, but inside ones. Worse than that though was that the airplanes were back.
Having manic thoughts is like this: Imagine standing in a room with four white walls and no windows. A paper airplane flies in and you reach up to catch it. Just as you are unfolding it to read the message written on the inside it flies off and begins circling around your head before flying off to the unknown. Whilst it is circling another airplane flies in and the process is repeated. At any moment in time you may have 5-10 airplanes in the room.
I was trying to explain what I was thinking to A and I couldn't speak fast enough. Bless him. He just came upstairs with me and held me like the anchor he is.
One method of coping is sleep so that's what I've done for the last few hours. The thoughts have calmed (there's no way I could type this if they hadn't) but I'm still a bit shaky.
What I have to fight off the hardest are the feelings of inadequacy. Because I was feeling like this today I could not attend a BBQ that I had planned on going to with A. I'm disappointed and frustrated that I don't have a "normal" brain like everyone else. But, I is who I is.
What the dr didn't clarify was that the medicine doesn't make it go away or relieve all of the symptoms.
I'm a bit manic today- about an 8. I felt its onset this morning as I felt very shaky (you could see my hands shaking) but I thought it was because I hadn't had coffee yet or breakfast. But after a trip to the gym and running some errands, I felt worse. I had the shakes from head to toe- not visible ones, but inside ones. Worse than that though was that the airplanes were back.
Having manic thoughts is like this: Imagine standing in a room with four white walls and no windows. A paper airplane flies in and you reach up to catch it. Just as you are unfolding it to read the message written on the inside it flies off and begins circling around your head before flying off to the unknown. Whilst it is circling another airplane flies in and the process is repeated. At any moment in time you may have 5-10 airplanes in the room.
I was trying to explain what I was thinking to A and I couldn't speak fast enough. Bless him. He just came upstairs with me and held me like the anchor he is.
One method of coping is sleep so that's what I've done for the last few hours. The thoughts have calmed (there's no way I could type this if they hadn't) but I'm still a bit shaky.
What I have to fight off the hardest are the feelings of inadequacy. Because I was feeling like this today I could not attend a BBQ that I had planned on going to with A. I'm disappointed and frustrated that I don't have a "normal" brain like everyone else. But, I is who I is.
Sunday 15 June 2008
Our first fight
Today A and I had our first fight. I won't go into what it was about because it was something so minor it's embarrassing. At any rate, I was so upset afterwards that I ruined a perfectly good afternoon with my friends and I just feel stupid. I drank too much which means I felt like passing out and all my bipolar "quirks" became magnified....like the people were too much and the noise was too much and I just had to go home. I am very disappointed in myself and hope they forgive me.
Sunday 8 June 2008
Low
There is no logical reason.
But I feel low today. I've taken my medicine. I have a loving fiance, family and friends. I like my job. Yet I feel low.
A's mum has been over today and it's been a stretch. I ended up taking a rest upstairs just because I don't feel social. I hate feeling like this and I hate that my brain is simply misfiring a bit today. I'm very lucky in that A's mum is a retired nurse...she even worked with psychiatric patients so she's very understanding (as is her son).
This happens every once in a while and I thought it might be healthy to write it down.
Low.
But I feel low today. I've taken my medicine. I have a loving fiance, family and friends. I like my job. Yet I feel low.
A's mum has been over today and it's been a stretch. I ended up taking a rest upstairs just because I don't feel social. I hate feeling like this and I hate that my brain is simply misfiring a bit today. I'm very lucky in that A's mum is a retired nurse...she even worked with psychiatric patients so she's very understanding (as is her son).
This happens every once in a while and I thought it might be healthy to write it down.
Low.
Tuesday 13 May 2008
How could you?
I'm in pain. In the grand scheme of things, like earthquakes in China and the deaths of thousands, it doesn't even register on the Richter scale. Today I experienced one of the things I've been wanting for a long time...teeth whitening. Completely happy with the results, but really thinking that the dentist's warning that my teeth might feel a "bit sensitive" was an understatement. The experience has reminded me of very low pain threshold. Of course, I'm only guessing that it is a low threshold...no one has experienced it for me and told me so! To conclude, I think the other dream of body image improvement- a boob job- will not be happening! I've grown accustomed to my "discreet" chest...as my friend so politely referred to it.
Now. On to the title of this blog and to a much more important and serious topic.
Yesterday after school and the weekly briefing I turned on my phone. I had a message from A asking me to call him. A's mum had called to let him know that his brother's wife discovered her father had killed himself.
How could you kill yourself?
How could you hang yourself?
In your family home?
When you knew a family member would find you?
Did you think that your daughter would be the one to cut you down?
I've dealt with suicidal tendencies since my teens. I've self-harmed. I've written out wills and goodbye letters. I've researched suicide methods. And I've made a plan.
And then I remembered my mom. She would not recover from her daughter committing suicide. Mom is the only thing that has kept me alive on several occasions.
Why didn't S's dad remember his wife?
His daughter?
His grandson? Age 2. Who has now lost both of his grandfathers in less that nine months.
I don't know the details. A said that he was on medication. I don't know for what. I never even met the man. I've experienced the lows so I am not "judging" him.
After coming out of a suicidal fugue, I could see how my thoughts were not logical. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...however dim it may be. But I could also remember how I felt and how my brain led me down that dark path.
Never did I consider hanging myself. It seems like such a deliberate "fuck off". For his family's sake I hope that he was not in his right mind. To consider otherwise....
Tragic.
Now. On to the title of this blog and to a much more important and serious topic.
Yesterday after school and the weekly briefing I turned on my phone. I had a message from A asking me to call him. A's mum had called to let him know that his brother's wife discovered her father had killed himself.
How could you kill yourself?
How could you hang yourself?
In your family home?
When you knew a family member would find you?
Did you think that your daughter would be the one to cut you down?
I've dealt with suicidal tendencies since my teens. I've self-harmed. I've written out wills and goodbye letters. I've researched suicide methods. And I've made a plan.
And then I remembered my mom. She would not recover from her daughter committing suicide. Mom is the only thing that has kept me alive on several occasions.
Why didn't S's dad remember his wife?
His daughter?
His grandson? Age 2. Who has now lost both of his grandfathers in less that nine months.
I don't know the details. A said that he was on medication. I don't know for what. I never even met the man. I've experienced the lows so I am not "judging" him.
After coming out of a suicidal fugue, I could see how my thoughts were not logical. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...however dim it may be. But I could also remember how I felt and how my brain led me down that dark path.
Never did I consider hanging myself. It seems like such a deliberate "fuck off". For his family's sake I hope that he was not in his right mind. To consider otherwise....
Tragic.
Wednesday 2 April 2008
The Scale
How are you?
A question that is asked more often in the USA than here in the UK. You can't progress through a checkout line at a grocery store, Wal-Mart or most other stores in the States without being asked to comment on your well being. Of course it's not usually a genuine question, but I still miss the custom.
"Good, thanks."
"Fine."
"Okay."
Smiles uncomfortably and nods.
All possible answers to the question...except if you're me. I say I'm okay when I'm not. I don't mean to lie- sometimes I don't know how to explain how I am.
After I left the hospital having received my diagnosis, Mom had a difficult time figuring out how I was really feeling. She was a four hour plane ride away but even farther away in understanding the intricacies of mental illness. Aunt C was the one who provided the solution.
Conveniently, my Aunt's best friend is bipolar. I mean conveniently for me, having an aunt who understands...not convenient for her best friend! At any rate, Aunt C shared with me a method that she uses to ask Ann how she's doing...a simple scale using numbers. I've adopted the system and use it mostly with Mom or with other people that are too far away to actually see how I am.
My scale is dependent on understanding that a normal "Whoever knew she was bipolar!" rating is 5-6. The remainder of the scale breaks down like this:
1 Needs to be in hospital
2 Depressed...do not leave alone for long amounts of time
3 Sad but can be trusted to be alone
4 A little low but okay
5-6 Happy days are here again!
7 Woo! Feeling a bit hyper, but under control (recognises that she feels hyper)
8 Woohoo! Hands may be a little shaky, has a difficult time concentrating ...should not go shopping! Let's organize a closet instead.
9 Awesome! Incredible! I'm the Queen of the World (and Monsoon/Gap/Waterstones here I come!) Alternatively...I'm an angry, annoyed woman who is highly sensitive to noise and light.
10 Puppy dog moments
My most manic moment that I don't mind sharing took place just a few days after returning home from the hospital. My cousin had flown down to North Carolina to visit me in the hospital and take me home. After she left, it all hit...and I felt so alone. Determined to not sink into the depths of depression, I swung the other direction. I remember sitting in my apartment looking out at a blue sky and thinking "I wish I had a dog to keep me company." And...I was out the door! Within an hour I had a two year old from the local shelter and was walking around the local pet superstore buying loads of stuff for Frasier.
Well, Frasier was a Jack Terrier. Jack Terriers are MANIC! Having decided Frasier needed a bath, I put him in my bathtub ( I know, I know...but I don't think logically when I'm manic) and he went crazy- running in circles, barking and I simply started crying. Soon he was running around the living room and I didn't know what to do except load up Frasier and all of his new belongings, drive them back to the shelter and answer the puzzled volunteer's question, "I'm sorry!!!! I'm bipolar." whilst shoving little Frasier back in her arms. I cried all the way home.
That's a puppy dog moment.
How you doing? Today I'm a strong 6.
A question that is asked more often in the USA than here in the UK. You can't progress through a checkout line at a grocery store, Wal-Mart or most other stores in the States without being asked to comment on your well being. Of course it's not usually a genuine question, but I still miss the custom.
"Good, thanks."
"Fine."
"Okay."
Smiles uncomfortably and nods.
All possible answers to the question...except if you're me. I say I'm okay when I'm not. I don't mean to lie- sometimes I don't know how to explain how I am.
After I left the hospital having received my diagnosis, Mom had a difficult time figuring out how I was really feeling. She was a four hour plane ride away but even farther away in understanding the intricacies of mental illness. Aunt C was the one who provided the solution.
Conveniently, my Aunt's best friend is bipolar. I mean conveniently for me, having an aunt who understands...not convenient for her best friend! At any rate, Aunt C shared with me a method that she uses to ask Ann how she's doing...a simple scale using numbers. I've adopted the system and use it mostly with Mom or with other people that are too far away to actually see how I am.
My scale is dependent on understanding that a normal "Whoever knew she was bipolar!" rating is 5-6. The remainder of the scale breaks down like this:
1 Needs to be in hospital
2 Depressed...do not leave alone for long amounts of time
3 Sad but can be trusted to be alone
4 A little low but okay
5-6 Happy days are here again!
7 Woo! Feeling a bit hyper, but under control (recognises that she feels hyper)
8 Woohoo! Hands may be a little shaky, has a difficult time concentrating ...should not go shopping! Let's organize a closet instead.
9 Awesome! Incredible! I'm the Queen of the World (and Monsoon/Gap/Waterstones here I come!) Alternatively...I'm an angry, annoyed woman who is highly sensitive to noise and light.
10 Puppy dog moments
My most manic moment that I don't mind sharing took place just a few days after returning home from the hospital. My cousin had flown down to North Carolina to visit me in the hospital and take me home. After she left, it all hit...and I felt so alone. Determined to not sink into the depths of depression, I swung the other direction. I remember sitting in my apartment looking out at a blue sky and thinking "I wish I had a dog to keep me company." And...I was out the door! Within an hour I had a two year old from the local shelter and was walking around the local pet superstore buying loads of stuff for Frasier.
Well, Frasier was a Jack Terrier. Jack Terriers are MANIC! Having decided Frasier needed a bath, I put him in my bathtub ( I know, I know...but I don't think logically when I'm manic) and he went crazy- running in circles, barking and I simply started crying. Soon he was running around the living room and I didn't know what to do except load up Frasier and all of his new belongings, drive them back to the shelter and answer the puzzled volunteer's question, "I'm sorry!!!! I'm bipolar." whilst shoving little Frasier back in her arms. I cried all the way home.
That's a puppy dog moment.
How you doing? Today I'm a strong 6.
Thursday 27 March 2008
Brains
Have you thanked your brain today?
I realized, again, that I take too much for granted, including my brain.
And that's being thankful for a brain that isn't "normal."
But at least there are meds and books and advice out there for people who have bipolar.
My best friend recently found out that her sister has a mass the size of a ping pong ball on the frontal lobe of her brain. She had a MRI last year and it wasn't there, so this is especially frightening. I've spent the last couple of days with Ang to help distract her whilst she's waiting for news. Back home now and tired, I've had a moment to pause and think...
Thank you, brain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)